I took a small break because I have been stressing out due to an upcoming exam that I am not studying well for. Outside of college, it hasn’t really happened for me that I’m able to study without a classroom structure. After this, I’m going to go ahead and sign up for in person classes, or study with a coworker. Because of these exams and because of my recent break up, I’ve been very upfront on all the dating and hook up apps that I’m keeping it casual for now. Unfortunately, I’ve been having interactions with other men that don’t seem to understand what I mean or where I’m coming from.

I often see it repeated online that coming out leads to a form of gay adolescence, as gay and lesbian teens don’t have the same opportunities to experiment with dating as their straight peers do. Personally, although I had started coming out as early as middle school, I was too much myself to have dated in high school. I did try though and over time those experiences stumbling and putting myself out there have worked to help me figure out what I want and when I want it. That is, while I’ve been comfortable being single and having casual relationships or hooking up off the apps, when I want to be in a relationship, I know how to communicate that out and pursue that. I had two recent encounters where the gentlemen’s stated intentions clashed with their actions and words and I considered whether this was just a part of gay adolescence that I would continue to encounter as a man dating men. 

Of the first, I wrote a bit already about my interactions with him. Following a cousin’s funeral, he freaked out because I hadn’t been in contact with him. Some time after I posted the prior interaction he reached out to apologize and said that the text didn’t help us understand each other, that he tends to be very sensitive and was being selfish, but that he didn’t want to be ignored in the future and he wanted to prioritize that. As I was on my way out of town, I said thanks for the apology and let him know I wouldn’t be around. I talked to the friends on that trip out of town and they told me that, told of someone’s funeral, they would have backed down as well, not insisted on being heard out. With that, I decided to unfollow him and remove him from my followers too.

He didn’t notice however and reached out to make small talk, discussing the exam and the vaccines. I engaged with the small talk for a while but after some reflection, let him know that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore as I had just gotten out of a relationship where I had to create emotional space for my ex’s angry and jealous outbursts, but when I finally got angry at him, he dumped me. I related that to what had occurred between us, summarizing it as me having created space for him but he being unable to do the same for me. For some context, when he had come over, I held him while he cried because, as he stated, he just felt very comfortable around me; when he reached out to me because he felt I had stood him up, I apologized but told him it was a bad time as my cousin’s funeral had just happened and rather than back off, he insisted that I needed to prioritize his need for communication in a friendship. As the friendship with him required more from me than I could give, I insisted that we not talk anymore, although I pointed out that he was equating my grief with his personal insecurities and asking me to set my feelings aside.

What I never got around to discussing with him, because I was much less invested in this situationship than he was, was that he had not laid out all these rules ahead of us meeting in person. In fact, it felt like he suppressed all his requirements for having a friendship until after we had had sex. In a way, I feel more responsible for ignoring the red flags as I am slightly older than him and definitely more experienced, but I also felt that I had said many times that I was not looking for a relationship or really any responsibilities right now as I wanted to focus on myself. Although I stand by that, I do feel that I should have paid more attention to what he seemed to mean, which is that he needed a therapist and a stable, committed boyfriend. On the therapy part, I won’t say more than I already have, but he raised several topics after we had met, but before he got upset that I didn’t follow up on a potential hang out, on issues that I let him know immediately were pretty serious and should be discussed with a professional. And on the boyfriend part, it became clear just how serious and committed he expected his friendships to be, to the point where he should just be looking for a boyfriend and find a different kind of trouble.

My next issue with men hiding their intentions, or not being honest with them, comes from men hiding their age. Although it’s never truly been an issue, it happened recently that two men, one in his mid-thirties and another in his forties, have said that they are 29 years old. The latter’s profile actually stated 26, but I asked him what his age was after he sent some face pics. He said 29, I pointed out I was turning 29 and asked if he’d like to try again on giving his age. Now, I’ve said all this very politely, because I get that youth is a commodity in the gay community, but it feels odd to have them use my age when they’re clearly older.

The former deserves a little more talking about as I went on a date with him. He started off as a blank profile, which immediately set off flags, but he was quick to share pictures of himself. I let him know right away that I would be on my guard because I always am with blank profiles. Although I understand that there are good reasons for that, such as teachers not wanting to be seen by their students, I haven’t had good interactions in the past with these types of profiles. This time was going a little better; we agreed to meet at a local restaurant and other than being a little late, he showed up. Immediately I could tell he had lied about his age, but decided not to bring it up right away.   

We chatted about different things and overall had a pleasant conversation. At some point, he mentioned a six year relationship, described how it had ended some short time before the start of the pandemic, so seven years ago. I told him that was a little odd because his profile said he was 29 which meant he had to be 22 when they had gotten together. At that point he said, well no, he was something like 33 or 34, which made more sense for the length of their relationship, but said his profile was just old. The explanation was suspect, but as my most recent ex-boyfriend is older than him, I didn’t care to follow up. What did interest me was how he went on to describe his ex-fiancé as a home-body, preferring to stay in on Fridays than go out, how he just seemed very boring and didn’t like going out as much as he did. He had previously let me know that he would be partying all of Saturday and Sunday, specifically hosting a giant get together at the beach on Sunday. So in my head I really considered asking him for his ex-fiancé’s number. All I said was, “that sounds how I like to spend my Fridays, just prepare some food, have a nice edible and just relax.” Even on the question of weed, he said he hated being around stoners. He didn’t know the lingo but basically once couch lock set in his anger would peak.

Although the date went well, I figured I would not bring up the topic of dating again. He ignored me all weekend anyway, which was fine. But tell me why on Monday he hit me up saying he felt like we had a great connection and that we should date more seriously. I let him know that I didn’t want to given that the issues he had with his ex would be the same we would have and that I didn’t feel the need to put us through that. I was happy to continue to hang out with him on the weekends but not for anything beyond casual fun. Unfortunately, he has decided that I will change my mind and that I just need to give him time, to make time for him, and I’ll see.

For these guys, I don’t know exactly what’s leading them to navigate the dating world in this way. But I can see that they aren’t clearly communicating their intentions and needs. At least in the first case, from his perspective he was wrong to have placed any respect, or trust, in me. In my case, if he had let me know just how critical the stakes were for our interactions, I would have left him alone, certainly not inviting him over to casually hook up, or not believing him when he said he was open to it. On the latter, I’m not ready to date. But when I seek to return to the dating world, I’ll be trying my hardest to avoid personality types exactly similar to my ex, so it’s interesting to have a guy who described all the problems with his ex be things I love, and still have that same guy be interested in me. Finally, as far as hiding intentions go, I don’t think I’ll get to the point where I want to hide my age. In part, it’s because I’m not interested in younger men, but also, I think as a young man of a certain age, I’ve been exposed to more age positive media. But I’m hoping to always be just a little too lazy to lie, a little too lazy in dating to be anyone other than myself.

After all, in the words of Darren from Bedrooms and Hallways, “Simplify your vibrations. Your sex life simplifies itself.”