Yesterday I had plans to hang out with a new friend, go out to do some yoga on the bluffs of Long Beach and then walk around. We walked around for dinner, some very spicy Thai food. I ended up needing to use the restroom so we headed back to his place. Over dinner though, he had opened up about wanting to go back to therapy and trying to get ahold of a therapist. There was something inside me that just tingled, instantly finding him more attractive. Then I saw his place and instantly judged how messy it was. I didn’t know him well enough yet to tease him about it, but I wanted to. Instead I found myself helping him clean up.

I stayed for a while and I noticed that he had a Nintendo Switch system so I asked him about that. He suggested we play Smash Brothers and he ended up posing quiet the challenge. I was winning at first but eventually he took the lead. I could tell I was getting tired and told him so, it was way past my bedtime. But also, the night was just going so great that I didn’t want to really go to sleep. As we played we did that thing where you inch closer to the other person and I mentioned twice how I thought it was hot that he was winning. I also tried to check in with myself and notice if I was letting him win or was actually struggling, but I pushed the thought away and tried to focus on the game. Eventually, we stopped, he had picked up on the obvious and we ended up making out. We were quiet gross from the gym, yoga and walking around, so we didn’t do much, but we did end up in his bed and naked.

Prior to that evening, I had been unsure whether or not he found me attractive, as he is very fit and also seemed a bit reserved. Now I suspect that his reservations are for the same reason as mine, it’s a defense mechanism to keep people away. See, he didn’t give specifics but it was clear there was some trauma there for him, perhaps his recent breakup had also left him a little dazzled.

Certainly mine has. When I woke up this morning I was anxious about having ruined our friendship. It’s possible that I have, after all, ruined our friendship but nothing so far has indicated that and as well, if it has been ruined, we did that together. But… That thought didn’t stop the worry this morning, even as I was dealing with the consequences of that spicy Thai dish last night. I imagine my own wound from the breakup is still too fresh. After all, the circumstances around that breakup managed to dig into deep seated trauma, all of which I’ve brought up in therapy, but none of which ever really went away. And that’s maybe what has me dazzled, spiraling, anxious, terrified to do anything that might approach those deep wounds and tear at them, drawing blood from scar tissue.

At root of some of this anxiety is the lack of certainty from other people. They come in and out of our lives and some stay but most leave. I want to just relax and lean on people, but I can’t yet knowing they can leave. I know that’s something I need to work on though, on learning how to relax, learning how not to panic after a nice evening with a cool guy…